Lost Possibilities
by casualcruelty
Summary: Life is full of lost possibilities. Edward Cullen is one of them. — "You'll always be my favorite what if."


**Lost Possibilities**

**Summary:** Life is full of lost possibilities. Edward Cullen is one of them. — _You'll always be my favorite what if._

**A/N: So, hi. This is a oneshot I wrote. It was inspired by a post on Tumblr—a post that says "You'll always be my favorite what-if" and a friend's tags. Those tags hit me in the feels particularly hard, and so forth came this little muss of words.**

**I'd like to thank kitchmill and Carinelautner from Project Team Beta for whipping this mess into shape. Thank you also to my friends delicateswa-n, thethoughtsofafangirl, and humpinghobos from Tumblr for the encouragement. Love you, girls.**

**I don't own Twilight.**

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><p>I woke up from my dream abruptly, although I didn't know why. It was a calm dream. I'd been having the same one for a while. I was in a meadow, but not just any meadow. It was <em>our<em> meadow. I didn't know why I was dreaming about it, but I wasn't complaining.

It was much better than the ones all those years ago, where I would wander around in a dark forest for an eternity and wake up screaming. No, these dreams were much more peaceful than that. I was in our beautiful meadow, but I was alone. I didn't actually do anything. I would just sit there, looking at the stars, staring at the moon, not lonely but not happy.

I didn't know what that dream meant, because I _was_ happy with my life. I could call it perfect, even.

I looked at the clock on the bedside table, then at my husband, lying on his back, sleeping and snoring peacefully, his mouth open. I smiled softly and shook my head. It was only three o'clock in the morning. He wasn't supposed to get up for another few hours. I, however, didn't feel like going back to sleep.

I got out of bed and went to sit on the porch. Before going down, though, I peeked into the nursery and checked on Isabelle, my perfect, beautiful, seven-month-old daughter. She was sleeping soundly in her crib. I closed her door softly and continued down the stairs.

I opened the door to the backyard and sat on one of the Adirondack chairs facing the forest. I hugged my knees to my chest, resting my chin on them.

This was usually where I would talk to him. It started one night when I couldn't sleep and sat here. I thought about the success of my book, _Lost Possibilities_, and started thinking about the lost possibilities in my own life.

I'd given up thinking I was crazy for talking to nobody in the middle of the night.

"What do you think would've happened if we'd stayed together? What would we be right now? Would the feelings I have for you still be as intense? Do you think I could've convinced you to change me? I don't care about that now, but I still wonder.

"You know, I think part of the reason everything in our relationship was so intense was because everything was new and neither of us had been in a relationship before. And, I mean, we were _teenagers_. Century-old vampire or not, you were a teenager. I've found that a teenager's perspective is very much different from that of an adult's. It's not that teenagers are stupid and that there's something lacking in their brains at that point in life; it's that they don't have experience. There's still that young naivety. When something bad happens, it always feels like the end of the world.

"But that's not true. It's never the end of the world. The world didn't end when you left me, even though it certainly felt like it. The world didn't end when I didn't get into NYU and every plan I had fell apart, and the world didn't end when I found out I was an unmarried pregnant woman.

"I guess things just have their own way of working out. Whatever's meant to be will be and all that. But does that mean we weren't meant to be? Guess not. That doesn't stop all the what ifs, though."

After an hour had passed, I decided to get out of that chair, since it was getting uncomfortable and stop staring at the trees before they grew eyes and stared back.

Strangely, I thought I actually did feel eyes on me, but I shook the feeling off and went back inside.

I fetched my laptop from the coffee table in the living room and sat in the kitchen, turning on the coffee pot. I cracked my neck and typed. I hadn't been working long when I felt Daniel's arms wrap around my neck, resting his chin on my head and looking at the open document on my laptop.

"You're up early," he commented.

"So are you," I replied.

He turned around and poured coffee into two mugs. He set one down in front of me and sat to my side. I smiled my thanks at him and took a sip.

"You working on your sequel?"

I made a humming sound and he grinned, asking if he could read it. I laughed and told him no.

He narrowed his eyes playfully. "You haven't killed anyone, have you?"

I decided to mess with him a bit and said, grinning, "Not yet."

He groaned and laughed, which had me chuckling along with him. I had managed to kill his favorite character in the first book. In my defense, I didn't know the guy was going to turn out to be his favorite. I had told him exactly that, to which he replied, "Well, you just shouldn't kill any characters period!"

Our laughing ceased when we heard a small cry from upstairs.

"I'll get her," he said with a smile.

Three hours later, I was at the front door, Isabelle in my arms, saying goodbye to her daddy before he left for work.

I smiled brightly and waved at Daniel with Isabelle's hand. "Bye-bye, Daddy! We love you!"

I really could call my life perfect. I had a good-paying job where I could work from home; a good, supportive, hardworking husband; a big house; and the cutest little girl in the world.

What more could I ask for?

But the lost possibilities plagued me. Him, NYU, moving to Florida, going to law school…

There were a thousand what ifs, and I thought about how different my life would have been if even one of those things had turned out differently.

I wasn't ungrateful for the life I had. Still, the what ifs never stopped.

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><p>I woke up that night again, and like the night before, I went to sit on the porch, staring at the trees and looking at the stars.<p>

The stars were always beautiful here, but tonight, I felt like they were more so. The twinkling lights were so pretty against the dark sky.

"You know, I still love you. I never stopped. But I think I love you in a much calmer way now. The same about missing you; I still do, but it's not like those first few months, feeling like my chest was empty. And I think this feeling will always linger; missing you, loving you. I'm never going to forget. I can tell you now that you were wrong when you told me it would be as if you'd never existed. I'm not going to stop thinking about what could've been. I'm not going to forget you."

I shivered, partly because of the cold night and partly because I felt eyes on me again.

I took a deep breath, and after years of not speaking his name, I finally did, closing my eyes as I whispered.

"Edward, you'll always be my favorite what if."

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><p><strong>Any thoughts? Thank you for reading!<strong>


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